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Numuruzero ,

I don’t think there’s really any one universal best answer, really. I agree with the idea that mirroring is the most fundamental answer. I try to ask questions too, where appropriate.

gens ,

“That’s rough buddy.”

For more useful advice, see all the other comments.

vladmech ,

Very helpful if your friend’s girlfriend turned into a moon.

mintiefresh ,

I agree with most of the posts here. It’s best to just listen and try to mirror imo. However I find it can be so difficult because I don’t want to … Sound like a bot. Like I don’t want to just keek saying the same thing over and over or just repeat their words.

“I’m sorry this happened.” “That really sucks.”

I end up feeling like an NPC with 3 dialogue choices being spammed.

But otherwise I do try my best just to simply listen and sympathize.

Eideen ,
@Eideen@lemmy.world avatar

Mirroring, to show that your listings.

youtu.be/c10wgAZaPI4

mydogisapotato ,

If they’re venting and don’t want advice, just show fellow feeling.

  • man that blows
  • why would they think that’s a good idea?!
  • they’re such dicks
  • how did they think you were going to react?!
  • etc. You can also ask questions to help the person unload more, or to understand what’s made them so mad they need to vent. You’re not trying to fix a problem. You’re trying to help your friend scream into the void and feel heard and supported. Especially if they don’t feel heard at the source of their problem.

For me, one reason that I get frustrated with advisors is that they offer level one of advice when I’ve already tried levels one - three hundred of solutions. I feel slightly condescended to, and then I have to tactfully explain why their solution isn’t feasible. Then I end up feeling like a dick for shooting down their help. Or, I can nod, smile, say thanks, that’s a good idea, and walk away still feeling unheard and misunderstood.

counselwolf ,

I don’t understand venting.

I know I’m supposed to only listen to it, but I just get frustrated for some reason. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

Chozo ,

It could be that you're looking for a solution to the venter's problem. A lot of times, when somebody is venting, they're not actually looking for a solution. More often than not, they already know the solution to their problems, but the emotions of the situation are overwhelming them.

Obviously, things vary from person to person, so your mileage may vary on this, but I find that if somebody's venting to you about something, it's best to just absorb what they're saying, and let them get out whatever it is they need to get out. It's usually best not to inject your own interpretations into the conversation. For instance, if you're looking for a way to interject, instead of something like "He probably said that because such and such", reposition it to something like "Why would he say such and such?" Letting the venting person come up with their own thoughts and explanations for the situation may be the most beneficial thing for them in that moment. They might not actually know why the other person said something to them, but this can prompt a moment of insight, which can help the person understand why they're feeling the way they're feeling.

Venting is more about processing thoughts and feelings, as opposed to brainstorming actual solutions. If you're listening to somebody vent, first off: Thanks, you're a good friend for being there for people in need. And second, just keep the focus on the emotional responses to the situation, as opposed to the details of what may be happening, and you should be good.

Rozz ,

I’ve heard something recently that can help.

If you aren’t sure you can ask the person do you want me to offer advice, get mad on your behalf, or just listen.

Obviously depends how well you know the person, but you can consider what they normally want. I don’t have a more elegant way of asking though.

SomeoneElse ,

Lots of excellent answers here but I just wanted to add that a therapist explained to me that there are active listeners and passive listeners and people generally fit one category over another. I’m an active listener: you tell me something is wrong and I’m going to try and help you fix it. Even the unfixable. This can be useful in a lot of situations, but it can also be off putting for the “complainer” if they’re just looking to get something off their chest. Some people need to vent more than others. They simply need to say the words and get it out there and they’re not asking for a solution. It can seem insensitive when an active listener tries to interject with fixes.

On the other side are the passive listeners, like my partner. I complain to him and he doesn’t try and help me fix the situation, he simply listens to me rant and gives me a hug, or a “that’s shit”. I used to find it really frustrating when I was younger because I’m kind of type A - I always want to be doing something, anything to feel a bit more in control. I interpreted his passive listening as being uncaring which wasn’t the case.

Understanding what type of listener I was and learning to identify (or ask if in doubt) what the person complaining was looking for, really improved my relationships. I still don’t find passive listening particularly easy but I’m much better at it now. And if I’m complaining to someone and they don’t react the way I wanted/was expecting I’m not at all annoyed with them, I just speak to someone else who I know is more like to be an active listener or whatever it is I need at the time. We can’t be all things to all people, and no one person can meet all of your needs all of the time. And that’s ok.

Jon-H558 ,

That is not the definition of active and passive listening I had heard.

Active listen is being engaged asking questions and showing empathy outwardly. That could be trying to "fix" it but it could also be the "why would they say" type lines or other affirmations that others in this thread are saying both I thought were types of active.

SomeoneElse ,

I could definitely be remembering incorrectly - it was about 13 years ago and a helluva lot has happened since then! As you recall it, what would passive listening be?

Jon-H558 ,

That would be just taking in the information but not giving any sort of feedback. Like sitting in a lecture that doesn't allow questions, but in a 1to1

SomeoneElse ,

Tbh, I’m struggling to imagine when that style of passive listening would be appropriate one to one, outside of something like marriage counselling or an argument when “you’ve had your chance to speak, now let me speak without interrupting”. Nobody wants to vent to a brick wall with no absolutely no feedback at all do they? Or maybe they do and I’m just weird!

Jon-H558 ,

No and thats the point, passive listening is not suitable for 1to1 interactions and some form of active listening should always be employed

m477m ,

Learn from this guy’s mistakes: www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

Contramuffin ,

I find that it’s best to speak minimally. Let them speak, that’s why they’re venting. If you do speak, you should avoid inserting your own opinions or your experiences, because that could come off as derailing the conversation or changing the subject. If you do speak, it should be to encourage them to continue speaking their mind.

Once they get it all out of their system, I think that’s the point when you can really start to offer your thoughts and respond to what they said

Xylinna ,
@Xylinna@lemmy.world avatar

Your best course of action is typically going to be active listening and being a sounding board. Don’t try to give advice or analyze the situation unless they specifically ask you to and simply affirm their feelings.

marciealana ,

I always ask “do you want help with that?”

If they’re talking nonstop, they don’t want input. If they’re not, this is the question I ask. Most of the time they just want to be heard, but not always.

paddirn ,

I’m not sure if I should say anything to comfort OP in some way.

pinwurm ,
@pinwurm@lemmy.world avatar

You should react, at least lol. But you need to consider that most folks aren’t looking for advice. Rather, they need a validation of their experience.

Better to say “Wow, that really sucks” or “That’s crazy!”.

Maybe ask a followup question the to show that you’re listening, “well, what happened after?” or “what are going to do next?” End with “Thanks for sharing that with me, I know it’s not easy”.

Do not say, “you should try X or Y” unless they explicitly ask.

It’s a weird concept for me, cause when my wife vents - I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.

mtnwolf ,
@mtnwolf@lemmy.world avatar

I hear a problem and I want to offer solutions. But I gotta fight that instinct.

I’m curious how much of that is instinct vs. cultural programming. I used to be the same way. My partner would tell me about something that has aggravated her during her day and my first instinct was to think of ways to fix whatever it was and not just listen and be supportive. But that’s the exact opposite as the conversations I might have with my buddy would go. When he tells me about a problem, I just listen and if he pauses for a verbal response, I ask him how he handled it, not give him advice on how I would handle it.

So is that a primal bias or a cultural one? Does it come from some sort of deep genetic behavioral coding that we much protect our female mate? I’m certainly not able to answer that with any authority, but my gut says it’s learned behavior. I’ve since let go of that desire to fix. And for me, it’s much more satisfying to always listen as support and learning without seeing it as a task. That’s the default. I don’t even think about a solution unless I’m specifically asked.

pinwurm ,
@pinwurm@lemmy.world avatar

Yeah.

Helping when someone has a problem is a predisposition among all people. How we help - whether it’s active listening or task assistance is the question. Whether those tendencies are genetics or learned behavior is anyone’s guess. All I know is that it’s observable behavior. Enough to make a few silly standup comedy bits over.

Learning to not fix every problem is one of the most counterintuitive things a dude can do to better their relationships. 🤷

ciferecaNinjo ,

Gender is somewhat relevant here-- according to my women studies course in uni. When women are describing a problem, they don’t usually want solutions. They want support, understanding, & sympathy, contrary to the typical male response which is to give advice & propose solutions, which then has a good chance of ending badly.

chogfood ,

Input from a clinical psychologist and therapist: That’s true but leaves out the fact that everybody responds better to validation (just like you described for women) unless they ask for advice or a solution. I’ll also say–this time only anecdotally–that even men requesting advice and answers often benefit much more from validation, especially when advice would not be helpful.

Jack_of_all_derps ,

To add another part on from another clinical psychologist/therapist: it seems like sometimes just assuming what the person is looking for validation or help can cause some problems one way or the other. Sometimes just asking directly what they are looking for is worthwhile. It can be a beneficial exercise in clarifying expectations and takes out chance for a “wrong” (used VERY loosely) choice of approach or possibly missed signals. Personally and anecdotally, it seems to bring more awareness into the equation for everyone involved overtime (if doing so with a partner/friend/family member/etc.).

MadgePickles ,
@MadgePickles@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

Is this really true that men aren’t looking for this same validation or do they just generally vent less because generally speaking men have fewer close friendships and maybe are less used to having anyone to vent to? Just thinking out loud

ArcaneSlime ,

Idk, tbh in my experience, men can do both at the same time. It usually goes like

“Duuude (some shitty news)”

“Damn dude that sucks, why (did that happen, etc)”

“I think blah blah blah”

“Damn, did you try yadda yadda?”

“Yeah and this happened, can you believe that shit?!”

“That sucks, I’d (blank). What’re you gonna do?”

(Cont…)

It just feels all like one cohesive conversation yet both sides are present, the helping side and the listening side. Unfortunately I can only do this with my male friends, with my Fe woman (Haha! Almost got me to say the F word. Leaving “male” though since none of us give a single shit about that) friends, because even though I’d have to listen to give advice at all one precludes the other to them, I just have to end up basically saying “Damn. That sucks. Wow. No shit? Damn. Fuck that!” Really stimulating conversation (I say with the utmost sarcasm) but at least they perceive me as a good listener (even though I was a good listener all along, but this way their perception reflects that lol.)

Like, I have one friend, she moved out of state but she still calls to catch up about 1x weekly, and I know a lot about her life but all she knows about mine is “Damn. That sucks. Wow. No shit? Damn. Fuck that!” as she vents about work or her boyfriend (to another guy, and we have a bit of a history, tbh he would prob be mad if he knew but I’ve only met him once, so what can I do about it), or talks about her plants, until she gets home from her drive from work and says she’s got to go inside. In her mind, we have great conversations, yet in mine they’re usually barely conversations they’re so one sided.

I’m not mad about it (I actually think it’s funny, and I have my own people to talk to so I don’t “need” her for that or anything crazy), but I do think the other comments are right that it’s a difference in how our brains work, or possibly how we perceive that advice, or how we perceive who is giving that advice. I think (in my experience anyway, since that’s what I’m made of) it seems like my male friends take it more as help for real (and assume I offered it because I care, at that), whereas women in my life take the advice not as “help” but as an insinuation that they are incapable of figuring the problem out for themselves, which is of course not my intention (but that’s why if any woman wants my advice she unfortunately has to explicitly ask for it. I know that’s hard to ask for advice sometimes but I miss social cues a lot so it’s just safer for everyone this way, less women mad at me lol, shitsux for an ADHD guy accused of but not diagnosed with autism haha. Men I’ll just talk to like regular though, they dgaf about shit lol.)

TIN ,

Nail in the head in YouTube is the classic here

youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg&feature=share7

Methylman ,

This is the one I thought of

youtu.be/7hFAv8z8xmw

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