Yeah, it started to really hit me when my friends starting having kids. I’d see them being so kind and patient and actually giving a shit about what their kids think and how their kids feel. It’s both beautiful and heartbreaking; beautiful to see that this is exactly how a parent should be, and heartbreaking cause little me never had -and will never have- that experience. I feel like this plus getting older has made me realize just how bad my childhood really was. Like, I knew it was bad when it was happening, but I don’t think I could grasp just how bad it was without some distance and perspective.
I haven’t found myself jealous over kids who have it better than me, but I’ve found I am envious of people who’ve had at least one decent parent in their corner. Both of mine were horrible people. And on top of the abuse: ADHD (undiagnosed until recently), depression, bad anxiety, CPTSD (from the childhood), and possibly autism but no one seems to want to test an adult so I may never know. And the worst part is realizing, in hindsight and through therapy, that my mom knew. She fucking knew how mentally unwell I was, and not only did she do nothing to help, she would use the threat of having me committed to manipulate me. So fucked up. ugh.
So yeah I’m fully aware of the ways I’m broken, and I’ll probably be in therapy for the rest of my life over it. Anyway, we deserved better. Everyone deserves a safe childhood with caring parents, everyone. Even you.