If you want to blow your brains out, it’s unfair of you to do it where it will hurt the careers and reputations of others, and traumatize them with the knowledge they failed to help you survive. Not to mention cleaning up the mess you leave behind.
Also, the violent people who do want to harm others are often very good at lying and pretending to be like you. I believe you, but the staff can’t afford to take your word for it. Even if an individual believes you, they would be penalized for not following the protocols, which were written in the blood of those who believed the wrong person.
By the way, I’m glad you live in a place where you can get an abortion. That’s not a given anymore. And I’m sorry you feel so cruel towards yourself. I hope you can become able to be kinder to yourself.