The first thing my brain grabbed onto is the fact they specified that he hasn’t ever fucked a couch to completion. I’m not a lawyer, but have been told I’d be a good one, but that’s some straight up lawyer-speak right there. Why are you specifying that he hasn’t fucked a couch to completion? Does this mean he has fucked a couch, but he didn’t achieve orgasm?
The next big one was “gieven” and the other misspelled word (I’m on mobile and can’t get the pic back up). Like, this is supposed to be an official statement from the Republican candidates for POTUS and VPOTUS? And you couldn’t have your aid spell check the word “given?” Like, you’re being accused of being sexually attracted to furniture as a VP candidate, and you can’t be bothered to spell check a 5-letter word?
And what’s with the last bullet about jello and other stuff??? Like, are you trying to get ahead of wherever accusations of couch-fucking lead? My brain stopped at couch fucking, but with that last bullet, now I’m thinking he fucks/fucked jello and fruit and shit. Why would you even bring that up?
If this is real, and I’m assuming it is, just… Wow.