I have for about a decade now, as a hobby, just followed various biblical scholars, archaeologists, ancient language experts, historians, a few esotericists, etc who give interesting lectures or youtube video presentations, publish books based off of their peer reviewed research, or other youtube channels of basically laymen with similar interests who make a point of interviewing such experts and getting their assistance for finding texts that are not well known outside of academic circles.
…
I’ll tell you right now, I’m not gonna be able to help you find any spiritual truth.
Using the terminology I think you are using, I am gnostic atheist, I don’t believe in spirits or souls as any kind of real thing, don’t believe in any Gods at all, and am quite convinced that such things I’ve read about in ancient stories are logically and physically impossible.
I think these texts and traditions are all fascinating bits of history, interesting stories that have shaped human history, but I don’t literally believe any of it, or that there is some hidden, actually factually correct or true religion.
I was once religious, dove into it more and more to try to discern some kind of spiritual truth, but came away seeing more and more contradictions, came more to see these works as literature that evolved out of previous stories and traditions, over different ages and in different places.
…
I tend to land closer to your last line, but its not a placebo… its an addictive drug.
Constantly seeking hidden meanings within meanings and patterns within patterns can give you a kind of high, as if you are always just on the threshold of some kind of utterly revolutionary discovery that will change your life or the world, that places you above others in some regard.
Try to connect too many ambiguous dots and you might at some point realize there are not actually any consistent rules governing how you are connecting them, and then it all falls apart.
Thats when the drug doesn’t bring you a high anymore, it only brings rage and despair as the grand, uberidea you had been so studiously working toward for so long… no longer seems even the least bit consistent, coherent, or possible.
Its ok to just be, without expecting the impossible of yourself.