I figured you were probably employed, just living in a space of paycheck to paycheck and feeling exhausted from drowning in a system that takes so much and never seems to give you what you need to ride the wave instead of fighting it. Rent is a brutal tunt, and it showed me how many people in positions of power are secretly conservative scum. Because people kept warning "Biden" that if he does x -> rents were going to soar. And rents have jumped up at an insane rate. Forcing a lot of people who were otherwise living independantly to move back in with their folks. But what happens when you don't have that kind of safety net?
And yeah, I once talked about how rentals are a crapshoot because your land appreciates regardless. So you don't do a damn thing to fix it. And most people who are renting can't do a thing about it. Even with organizations formed to assist them. I also think all new housing has become an amorphous blob of greige. Where they justify the rent by the "luxury" facelift they did on a crumbling mold-infested apartment. It's a frustrating state. But I really don't know what I can do about it, other than hold an opinion that it's bunk af.
I only said working out, because it helps with depression. But if you're hitting it, you're hitting it. I just was pulling stuff out of the aether because I know it's stuff that has helped me. If it helps you at all - I just grabbed a bunch of resources and drew up a handful of workouts I can follow. So that I can do what I want to do. Idk if it's the right thing, but it gets me to do them. So eh, it's alright with me =)
I mean, I am a big talker and a big lover of people. And I agree with you. I stated here somewhere that I actually do have my own issues with people who would be considered "snowflakes" or "sjws" because some of them are just as angry and one-sided as the opposite side of the coin. And in general, while I can't say I hate extremist (because I am one, as in - I am a very extreme person as a whole) I do hate people who seem either a) 2D or b) unwilling to communicate with others. But in a healing sense, I have spent my entire life being "the other," "different," and "weird" and it's very nice to be able to communicate with someone who listens to the brain-soup I've got going on up there and commincates with me on what I've got to say while being very objective. Because it helps me see things in a different way and lets' me smooth out some of the wrinkles. The reason why I love my therapist so much is because she knows how to communicate what I need to hear, while not making me feel awful for how I am feeling or what I've said. And I think that really helps when you're speaking from a super vulnerable space. But maybe it's not for everyone? It works for me. And to be honest, it's why I suggested it for you. Because I have known a couple of people who have gone to therapist - get the "answer" they wanted to hear and then disappear. But I think it's more of a contignous thing personally. Especially when you're as hurt as you seem to be.
Also, if you keep going to shrinks you might be able to get on disability if you need it. Because I read depression is the main reason why people are on it. And it sounds like it's something you keep coming back to. I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything. I just wanted to say you could validly, if you needed to, make steps towards leaving the rat race. But also there are like...other gigs you could consider. You might need a career change? I'm not saying go back to school, but maybe work for a cause that you believe in. These jobs are harder to find, but they are out there.
I hear you on repairing the cracks. I once talked about how a guy I heard on Rumblestrip Vermont described a broken heart as something that keeps getting smashed up until all you've got is fine powder. In general, it sounds like you had certain expectations from life and they didn't line-up. Cause I found in my life, the biggest disappointments come from misaligned expectations vs reality. But yet again, I'm just talking from my end. And that ultimately it could be very different for you.