Sorry. It’s easy for me to say, “Be more positive!” when my feet have never been in your shoes. Sorry if it seemed patronising in any way—its good advice, I’m just bad with choice of words a lot of the time. You seemed to understand my point, though. Perhaps a good (paraphrased) analogy is one I learned in Uganda; don’t use the poisoned well lest it poisons you, lest you poison those that don’t use the well.
And I’d like to remind you that you can do, literally, whatever you want at any time. The only considerations are consequences. You can literally murder the next person you see, in the same way you can just walk off and start your journey. One has consequences of prison lol, but the other… well, who knows?
This mindset has saved my life in hard times. Where everything felt awful. Walking away from it seemed so much more obvious than staying. What’s the worst that could happen? I’m happier? Haha. Yep. Time to just start walking. No plan, no direction, just knowing “I can not do this any more and I won’t be here any more.”
You’ll be surprised how rapidly thing start becoming good when you leave the bad. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t be in a rut. You’ll never live otherwise.