If you’re reading this I am in dire straights, possibly dead. I woke up this morning to find my microwave is bursting with tardigrades. I have left it cooking nonstop for 13 consecutive days and they’ve only gotten more pissed off. I’ve welded their every possible exit from the machine shut, but I fear they are beginning to chew their way out. If you’re reading this, tell the government they need to drone strike my location immediately, possibly nuke it. The world is not prepared for what is inside my microwave.