Is that not depressing? Depressing news can be Onion-y. I just pulled 2 examples from today’s front page, as you did.
The issue here seems everyone has a different take on what it means to be Onion-y. You mention it can’t be depressing, someone else said it has to subvert expectations, etc. Yet, there are counter-examples for those things from The Onion itself. Again, my point is that “what is Onion-y?” Is an incredibly subjective question. I’d encourage a broad answer to that question when you’re moderating.