Oh yeah for sure this stuff comes from intergenerational trauma. My grandfather (not by blood, but by upbringing) was a horrible wretched soul. My grandmother was a saint, and I'd pop anyone who says otherwise =P! (Okay that was a joke, I pass a fist) But legit I heard this man was some kinda monster and I honestly do not know how many people he's hurt big picture but I do know that his ripples can be felt even after his death. And I talked about this once before but it was crazy how all roads led to "fag" and men weren't allowed to be or do anything for generations based on those limitations. Things have kinda changed, but it's still not there. Aww man, my dad had levels of rage. I am still terrified of that man to this day. Even though I know logically - what's he gunna do? But I can still go back there. But I mean I think we can do that with all sorts of emotions and memories are just kinda like that - you can go back to what you remember. And yeah, same here - if he was mad at something else hot damn he'd take it out on us. Was a mess. I am glad you reconnected and got to a place where you could sorta heal that image in your head and gain some more closure. I hear that's the upside of all the chaos, but I think in my case I'm just gunna let sleeping dogs lie. Cause I really don't have much else I can do. And the few times I have tried to reconnect with him over the phone he started getting mad a couple minutes in. Which stinks because one of my sibbies kinda has that flamey temp too. And they're both bigguns' (and I am the size of a pinkie =P!)
Hahaha, nah man - that running beat (which most def had to be inspired by call and response negro spirituals) is solid. I picked it up right off the bat. One of the only military folks I know now - that's their thing too. They got out and all they do is run, helps them feel connected to things. But I think they listen to electronic stuff, but it could follow a similar beat you know? Structure is almost impossible to follow to a T with ADHD. I cheat by changing things up just enough that it doesn't drive me bonkers. A simple example would be like going one road over on your circuit next week to see different things. Helps keeps stuff interesting.
Being on-call is a poop. I think you're supposed to get paid extra for that, and people are on some bs because they're always trying to figure out how to weasel the most "productivity" out of someone while paying them the absolute least they can get away with. Legit, it sounds like you know what you want. And it sounds like you've got tons of passion and energy. I straight heave (on the low-low) heard of a lot of devs smashing dual-gigs and raking in the cash then investing that and getting out of the rat-race early.
That ADHD site could be money, bc legit if you've got it you know how it is when you're out here trying to learn and stuff is all over the place. One thing I will warn though, is that it seems there's two camps. I NEED MORE INFORMATION ALL THE TIME NOW, NOW, NOW and - I need this cleaned up and in tiny bites please. I'd look into the science of it all but I do know that there's a huge issue transfering short term -> long term so clean information is really important. I was reading this site based off an article I can't seem to find anymore (???) cause the post is gone. But the design was so choice on mobile because it was so clean and easy to read. And I always get so frustrated trying to read stuff outside of "reader" mode because most designs are too much. And it's why I like PieFed cause it's relatively (the threads are a bit smooshed together horizontally so I don't always get it) easy to read. But ne ways, you're gunna be fine one way or another. If you have too much trouble flex your military and coding experience and utilize it to get a gig. Cause sometimes you gotta use your edge to get ahead if the fish aren't biting. And it's pretty rough right now all things considered.